CRY OF MY HEART

Cry of My Heart

October 12, 2008

2:39 in the morning

[Just being real. A prayer to God. Without any pretense. An old post I decided to share. During those hard times.]

O God, You know me. You created me. I know You can see past the wall I have created around me. You know the face behind the mask and see each tear that glistens in the dark. Every heartbeat and the rushing of my blood. My hair, of course You can count them. You hold every atom in my body to keep me whole but why do I feel broken?

I want to be like You Father. Not that I want to be God. Power is not what I long nor majesty. being love by You is grander than the great canyon and I know I am rich because of that love. Even all the treasures and wealth in this world will never equal Your love. No, I certainly don't need them. I just want You. I hope I have Your attitude. I want to have Your patience. You know what, I really admire you on how You deal with those people who falsely accuse, insult and hurt You. You are full of love. If I were in Your place, I could have easily take a gun and shot them or hire others to do the work. It's easier to get mad and take revenge than to do the things You do. And I'm GLAD. So glad that You are not and never will be like me. No man would be alive to this day if You are like me. Everyone, even including myself, seems to have something that could annoy or trigger my wrath especially on days I feel so gloomy.

I've read about what You did when the people were about to stone the woman caught in adultery. You never condemned her unlike what those people did. Instead, You even gave her another chance to live and change her wrong ways. And here I am, often condemning just like those people. But who am I to condemn others? What rights do I have? I am like that woman. I am adulterous myself. How many times that I have been unfaithful to You. Many times I forgot to pray. I read other books (though Christian  but have little time to read Your Word which You have written for me. I have many time to spare in things that are not really necessary and to people who I doubt truly care for me but only have few minutes to give You. You who never left me, whose love, there is no room for doubt.


I'M SORRY.

THANK YOU for forgiving me after what I've done. After so many times that I cause a tear to drop from Your eye. Oh please tell me how You do it. Don't You find it hard to forgive people like me who keep on sinning even right after You have forgiven me? Don't You get tired of forgiving the people who keep on hurting You? 'Cause I do. I'm tired of them and of myself too. But am I greater than You to not be able to forgive them and myself too? No, I am just a dust compared to You. So God, teach me how.

I want to have a heart like Yours. Only a heart like Yours can love the unlovable. Teach me to love them and myself too. Cause I'm sick of this heart of mine. It seems dead. It's color has turned to black. It's disfigured. It is full of rage. I can no longer take the foul smell that comes from it. I don't want my heart to destroy my mind and affect what comes out in my mouth and what I do. I can feel that it's slowly eating every part of me. Like a cancer cell, I don't want it to reproduce until it takes over all of me. I need You to change me desperately. Change my heart. Mold me into the likeness of You. Change my heart. I need a transplant. Give me Yours....

Before I sink into the dark ocean of sin, come and rescue me. Give me Your hand. Reach for me. Never, never let go of me. I need You God. Desperately. Thank You for Your faithfulness. I am awestruck with Your amazing grace...

DEAR GOD

DEAR GOD

[I wrote this on 

April 9, 2009 at 1:07 AM. I decided to post this here just to share... I usually write my prayers to God on a paper especially when I feel heaviness in my heart or whenever I have a problem. I can express better and I can pour my heart out to God. Of course, with tears in my eyes and my heart crying out to God.]

Dear God,

I feel sad again today Lord. I don't know why. Maybe it’s because I have nothing to do or maybe it’s the silence that makes me feel this way. Waves of depression have got me again and it drags me to the depth of loneliness and almost made me drown. I know I sound crazy but you know how my mind works.

I tried curing my loneliness. I went to the mall today but I still feel alone. Even though I was with the crowd it still felt like I’m in the middle of a room with no doors and window. I have tried others means before like going to the internet cafe to checked my friendster, yahoomail and deviantart and answered if there was any email or comment but whenever I logged out, loneliness still lingers. As I walked away from that place the cloud still loomed over me and not a single pleasure I receive from what it promised to give. I don’t get happiness and satisfaction in drawing anymore. You know that I used this hobby to shut the world around me. But this scapegoat has no longer any effect on me. It's making things even worse because whenever I picked up a pencil, I get frustrated. 

Tonight, I wanted to talk with my sister but she's reading a book. With her back towards me and her eyes on the book, I was envious. The little noise made whenever she flip a page really ticks me off. When she's not reading or at her friends, she is sleeping. How exasperating! She has never changed. She is just like when we were in college. I remembered one time I confronted her that she has no time for me and our roommates heard me that they kept me teasing with that line for years....

My sister is still reading a book and i can no longer tolerate the silence so i left the room to have a good cry in the sala. I wanted to watch a movie but the dvd player is no longer there and its late so there's no more program on tv.

Urrgh! What a boring life. Everybody in this part of the world is already asleep and yet I am not sleepy. I was curious what my housemate was writing earlier this evening so I scanned the notes on the table. I still haven’t read her writings (things she jut down during Sunday service) when i spotted a book "Encouragement for Women." Guess, that's what I needed. I picked and opened it and found the chapter about DEPRESSION. 

Why, Lord, You're actually talking to me through that book.

Thank You God for talking to me through your Word in the book. Thank You that you answer my desperate call. Thank You for always listening and understanding me.

I’m so sorry that I get so easily depressed when in fact there are so many reasons that I should be rejoicing. The fact that I am alive and breathing is enough reason to be happy. But it seems that I always forget that. Thank You for always reminding me.

I’m sorry for using other means in curing my loneliness. I’m sorry that at times I tried finding happiness from people and other things when You are the only One who can really give me true joy. You are the source of Joy. I should never forget that.

I relied too much on my feelings. Thank You for telling me that I should never depend on them because the heart could be deceived.

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? "Jeremiah 17:9

It's a shame to admit but yes I was deceived. I let my guard down. The enemy had used my feelings and way of thinking to pull me away from you and I'm so thankful that You are always never late to rescue me. Thank You Jesus for loving me so much you will never let me go.

Thank You also for the silence for it draws me to You. You must have called me and wanted my attention before but I was always busy doing other things like watching a movie and drawing. I have spent mostly of my time on those things that are not important and have spent less with You. They had become my idol because I had given them more importance than You and it shows on how i spent my time. I am really sorry. Thank You for using silence as a wake up call.

You must have felt the same way I felt towards my sister when she has given me less time to talk. I felt ignored, neglected and jealous that she has time reading her book for a million times than reading me, of what i feels and think. I am really sorry Lord. 'll make it up to You this time.

I will never let myself be BUSY again.

B-Eing

U-nder

S-atan's

Y-oke

I will and should give and spend more of my time with You in prayer and in reading Your word. I will go and talk to You whenever I feel sad/down and encounter a problem cause I know You always listen and I will never be ignored. Whenever I wanted to talk to someone about my problems or about what I feel, I will talk to You first in prayer. And whenever I feel down or depressed Lord I will remember what you say in Your Word:

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you. See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." Isaiah 49:15-16 

You are the lifter of my soul. 

"Why are you downcast, O, my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:5