Cry of My Heart
October 12, 2008
2:39 in the morning
[Just being real. A prayer to God. Without any pretense. An old post I decided to share. During those hard times.]
O God, You know me. You created me. I know You can see past the wall I have created around me. You know the face behind the mask and see each tear that glistens in the dark. Every heartbeat and the rushing of my blood. My hair, of course You can count them. You hold every atom in my body to keep me whole but why do I feel broken?
I want to be like You Father. Not that I want to be God. Power is not what I long nor majesty. being love by You is grander than the great canyon and I know I am rich because of that love. Even all the treasures and wealth in this world will never equal Your love. No, I certainly don't need them. I just want You. I hope I have Your attitude. I want to have Your patience. You know what, I really admire you on how You deal with those people who falsely accuse, insult and hurt You. You are full of love. If I were in Your place, I could have easily take a gun and shot them or hire others to do the work. It's easier to get mad and take revenge than to do the things You do. And I'm GLAD. So glad that You are not and never will be like me. No man would be alive to this day if You are like me. Everyone, even including myself, seems to have something that could annoy or trigger my wrath especially on days I feel so gloomy.
I've read about what You did when the people were about to stone the woman caught in adultery. You never condemned her unlike what those people did. Instead, You even gave her another chance to live and change her wrong ways. And here I am, often condemning just like those people. But who am I to condemn others? What rights do I have? I am like that woman. I am adulterous myself. How many times that I have been unfaithful to You. Many times I forgot to pray. I read other books (though Christian but have little time to read Your Word which You have written for me. I have many time to spare in things that are not really necessary and to people who I doubt truly care for me but only have few minutes to give You. You who never left me, whose love, there is no room for doubt.
THANK YOU for forgiving me after what I've done. After so many times that I cause a tear to drop from Your eye. Oh please tell me how You do it. Don't You find it hard to forgive people like me who keep on sinning even right after You have forgiven me? Don't You get tired of forgiving the people who keep on hurting You? 'Cause I do. I'm tired of them and of myself too. But am I greater than You to not be able to forgive them and myself too? No, I am just a dust compared to You. So God, teach me how.
I want to have a heart like Yours. Only a heart like Yours can love the unlovable. Teach me to love them and myself too. Cause I'm sick of this heart of mine. It seems dead. It's color has turned to black. It's disfigured. It is full of rage. I can no longer take the foul smell that comes from it. I don't want my heart to destroy my mind and affect what comes out in my mouth and what I do. I can feel that it's slowly eating every part of me. Like a cancer cell, I don't want it to reproduce until it takes over all of me. I need You to change me desperately. Change my heart. Mold me into the likeness of You. Change my heart. I need a transplant. Give me Yours....
Before I sink into the dark ocean of sin, come and rescue me. Give me Your hand. Reach for me. Never, never let go of me. I need You God. Desperately. Thank You for Your faithfulness. I am awestruck with Your amazing grace...