April 9, 2009 at 1:07 AM. I decided to post this here just to share... I usually write my prayers to God on a paper especially when I feel heaviness in my heart or whenever I have a problem. I can express better and I can pour my heart out to God. Of course, with tears in my eyes and my heart crying out to God.]
[I wrote this on
I feel sad again today Lord. I don't know why. Maybe it’s because I have nothing to do or maybe it’s the silence that makes me feel this way. Waves of depression have got me again and it drags me to the depth of loneliness and almost made me drown. I know I sound crazy but you know how my mind works.
I tried curing my loneliness. I went to the mall today but I still feel alone. Even though I was with the crowd it still felt like I’m in the middle of a room with no doors and window. I have tried others means before like going to the internet cafe to checked my friendster, yahoomail and deviantart and answered if there was any email or comment but whenever I logged out, loneliness still lingers. As I walked away from that place the cloud still loomed over me and not a single pleasure I receive from what it promised to give. I don’t get happiness and satisfaction in drawing anymore. You know that I used this hobby to shut the world around me. But this scapegoat has no longer any effect on me. It's making things even worse because whenever I picked up a pencil, I get frustrated.
Tonight, I wanted to talk with my sister but she's reading a book. With her back towards me and her eyes on the book, I was envious. The little noise made whenever she flip a page really ticks me off. When she's not reading or at her friends, she is sleeping. How exasperating! She has never changed. She is just like when we were in college. I remembered one time I confronted her that she has no time for me and our roommates heard me that they kept me teasing with that line for years....
My sister is still reading a book and i can no longer tolerate the silence so i left the room to have a good cry in the sala. I wanted to watch a movie but the dvd player is no longer there and its late so there's no more program on tv.
Urrgh! What a boring life. Everybody in this part of the world is already asleep and yet I am not sleepy. I was curious what my housemate was writing earlier this evening so I scanned the notes on the table. I still haven’t read her writings (things she jut down during Sunday service) when i spotted a book "Encouragement for Women." Guess, that's what I needed. I picked and opened it and found the chapter about DEPRESSION.
Why, Lord, You're actually talking to me through that book.
Thank You God for talking to me through your Word in the book. Thank You that you answer my desperate call. Thank You for always listening and understanding me.
I’m so sorry that I get so easily depressed when in fact there are so many reasons that I should be rejoicing. The fact that I am alive and breathing is enough reason to be happy. But it seems that I always forget that. Thank You for always reminding me.
I’m sorry for using other means in curing my loneliness. I’m sorry that at times I tried finding happiness from people and other things when You are the only One who can really give me true joy. You are the source of Joy. I should never forget that.
I relied too much on my feelings. Thank You for telling me that I should never depend on them because the heart could be deceived.
"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? "Jeremiah 17:9
It's a shame to admit but yes I was deceived. I let my guard down. The enemy had used my feelings and way of thinking to pull me away from you and I'm so thankful that You are always never late to rescue me. Thank You Jesus for loving me so much you will never let me go.
Thank You also for the silence for it draws me to You. You must have called me and wanted my attention before but I was always busy doing other things like watching a movie and drawing. I have spent mostly of my time on those things that are not important and have spent less with You. They had become my idol because I had given them more importance than You and it shows on how i spent my time. I am really sorry. Thank You for using silence as a wake up call.
You must have felt the same way I felt towards my sister when she has given me less time to talk. I felt ignored, neglected and jealous that she has time reading her book for a million times than reading me, of what i feels and think. I am really sorry Lord. 'll make it up to You this time.
I will never let myself be BUSY again.
I will and should give and spend more of my time with You in prayer and in reading Your word. I will go and talk to You whenever I feel sad/down and encounter a problem cause I know You always listen and I will never be ignored. Whenever I wanted to talk to someone about my problems or about what I feel, I will talk to You first in prayer. And whenever I feel down or depressed Lord I will remember what you say in Your Word:
"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you. See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." Isaiah 49:15-16
You are the lifter of my soul.
"Why are you downcast, O, my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:5